a good start
Winning the lottery is a chance occurrence, so you need to construct your life in a way so that it’s affected by chance occurrences. Some people would call this deconstruction, but that’s just their bias of self-determination.
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Even in a tiara-laden picture, Trump still has the most conspicuous hair.
Since Donald Trump is vying to be the most powerful man in the world—for real this time—he needs to be ready with a few quality pick-up lines because chubby interns don’t put cigars in their vaginas themselves.
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Hot Shots! : first dates :: coffee : diarrhea
The Hot Shots! movies make us feel light, self-assured, and thanks to the heavy-handed romance, sexually aroused. This is exactly how we feel after we meet new people while making sustained sexual advances, aka first dates. So the fact that the Hot Shots! franchise can be tapped for awesome first date guidlines is the pinnacle of no coincidence.
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David Foster Wallace’s 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College indirectly teaches us the importance of focus (21:25).
Prejudice is necessary when it comes to art (31:30).
Justifiable plastic surgery (43:15).
A royal wedding is this thing that still exists (50:15).
Sending effeminate boys to boot camp is good in theory, but not in the way Malaysia does it (54:26).
my hypothesis: Earth Day needs more gravity, Good Friday needs more realness
Earth Day and Good Friday have always been difficult to distinguish, and now that they’re on the same day this year, it’s overwhelming. The former celebrates the abasement of man in the eyes of nature and the latter celebrates the abasement of man in the eyes of God. That’s too much abasement for one day, so here at Cock Rock we’ll help you tell them apart for each aspect of the two holidays and then pick a winner. Because to celebrate both would be as pointless as cheating on a girl with her twin.
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"What's Subtext?" by the Black Eyed Peas
The names of symphonies aren’t really names at all, they just explain what the symphony is. For example, Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 in D minor is actually Beethoven’s ninth symphony and it’s performed in the key of D minor. It’s a pretty boring way to name music, but at least if we named pop songs this way, it would help us identify them for what they actually are.
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Test: if you think this is awkward, then you're awkward
If “A” for adultery is the scarlet letter for girls, then “A” for awkwardness is the scarlet letter for guys. Nothing will socially condemn a man more than being a creepy weirdo, unless that man makes tons of money, which usually absolves awkwardness. Similarly, the only way for a girl to overcome the social perils of promiscuity is to be super hot, which is the female version of money.
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The unwritten rules of golf are necessary for the awesomeness of Caddyshack (14:05).
When to be motivated by joy and when to be motivated by fear (20:30).
You probably shouldn’t paint your son’s toenails (28:20).
Donald Trump is Scrooge McDuck and why saving money is better for the poor than charity (38:48). The book that Mark tries to reference is Economics in One Lesson.
The importance of boredom and how it relates to David Foster Wallace’s new book, The Pale King. (49:15).
CNN’s travel accommodations
The media gets chastised for being too sensational, but the truth is that Hermione Granger nipple slip has been a problem with the media for as long as there have been free Justin Bieber tickets.
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for example, the implication here is that Allah has bad gas
14 Mar 2013
29 Jan 2013
13 Jan 2013
Seven Signs a Girl Wants You 
Girls are Supposed to Say No 
An Open Letter to The Chive 
Brotips translation: Bitches love smiley faces 
My 30 Days Without Ejaculation 
O’Reilly Never Took 8th Grade Science 
The Six Best Ways to Show Sexual Interest in a Girl 
On Being a Pig 
Brotips translation: overseeing your girlfriend’s emotions 
It’s Okay to Have a Penis 
When to Text a Picture of Your Penis to a Girl 
How to not be a Hipster 
Why Scarlett Johansson Wants Guys to See Her Butt 
Brotips translation: psychological virginity How to Win the Lottery 