Archive for April 2011

How to Win the Lottery

a good start

Winning the lottery is a chance occurrence, so you need to construct your life in a way so that it’s affected by chance occurrences. Some people would call this deconstruction, but that’s just their bias of self-determination.
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Donald Trump’s Top Ten Pick-Up Lines

Even in a tiara-laden picture, Trump still has the most conspicuous hair.

Since Donald Trump is vying to be the most powerful man in the world—for real this time—he needs to be ready with a few quality pick-up lines because chubby interns don’t put cigars in their vaginas themselves.
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The Hot Shots! Guide to First Dates

Hot Shots! : first dates :: coffee : diarrhea

The Hot Shots! movies make us feel light, self-assured, and thanks to the heavy-handed romance, sexually aroused. This is exactly how we feel after we meet new people while making sustained sexual advances, aka first dates. So the fact that the Hot Shots! franchise can be tapped for awesome first date guidlines is the pinnacle of no coincidence.
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Episode 80: David Foster Wallace on Focus, Prejudging Art, Plastic Surgery, Royal Wedding, Malaysian Boot Camp

David Foster Wallace’s 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College indirectly teaches us the importance of focus (21:25).

Prejudice is necessary when it comes to art (31:30).

Justifiable plastic surgery (43:15).

A royal wedding is this thing that still exists (50:15).

Sending effeminate boys to boot camp is good in theory, but not in the way Malaysia does it (54:26).

The Brazen Heads on iTunes

Earth Day vs Good Friday: An Analysis

my hypothesis: Earth Day needs more gravity, Good Friday needs more realness

Earth Day and Good Friday have always been difficult to distinguish, and now that they’re on the same day this year, it’s overwhelming. The former celebrates the abasement of man in the eyes of nature and the latter celebrates the abasement of man in the eyes of God. That’s too much abasement for one day, so here at Cock Rock we’ll help you tell them apart for each aspect of the two holidays and then pick a winner. Because to celebrate both would be as pointless as cheating on a girl with her twin.
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Top Ten Revealing Pop Song Names if They Were Named like Symphonies

"What's Subtext?" by the Black Eyed Peas

The names of symphonies aren’t really names at all, they just explain what the symphony is. For example, Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 in D minor is actually Beethoven’s ninth symphony and it’s performed in the key of D minor. It’s a pretty boring way to name music, but at least if we named pop songs this way, it would help us identify them for what they actually are.
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Overcome Awkwardness in Three Steps

Test: if you think this is awkward, then you're awkward

If “A” for adultery is the scarlet letter for girls, then “A” for awkwardness is the scarlet letter for guys. Nothing will socially condemn a man more than being a creepy weirdo, unless that man makes tons of money, which usually absolves awkwardness. Similarly, the only way for a girl to overcome the social perils of promiscuity is to be super hot, which is the female version of money.
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Episode 79: Unwritten Rules of Golf, Joy vs Fear as Motivation, Gender Brainwashing, Donald Trump and Charity, Boredom and David Foster Wallace

The unwritten rules of golf are necessary for the awesomeness of Caddyshack (14:05).

When to be motivated by joy and when to be motivated by fear (20:30).

You probably shouldn’t paint your son’s toenails (28:20).

Donald Trump is Scrooge McDuck and why saving money is better for the poor than charity (38:48). The book that Mark tries to reference is Economics in One Lesson.

The importance of boredom and how it relates to David Foster Wallace’s new book, The Pale King. (49:15).

The Brazen Heads on iTunes

The Media is a Britney Spears Boob Job

CNN is a circus

CNN’s travel accommodations

The media gets chastised for being too sensational, but the truth is that Hermione Granger nipple slip has been a problem with the media for as long as there have been free Justin Bieber tickets.
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Top Ten Implications of Facebook Status Updates

allah has no dick and bad gas

for example, the implication here is that Allah has bad gas

With more than 500 million Facebook users updating their statuses whenever they’re bored at work, there’s been almost as many status updates as units of nerd in Mark Zuckerberg. But it turns out that there are only ten different implications for all these updates. Not only will this information help you make sense of the status deluge in your feed, but maybe it will prompt Facebook to change the status text box into a drop down menu.
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