this is Prince, right?

We have all heard the different rumors about Prince—he avoids eye contact, he never moves out of the way for people, and he has actually never listened to anybody ever. So this story should come as no surprise. Mark Foster, singer of Foster The People, was kicked out of a surprise Prince concert as he was seen using his phone during the show. Foster begged security guards to let him back in and was only re-admitted after showing he did not use his phone to photo or film Prince. If you don’t see how this story makes Prince awesome, then you’re never going to be an awesome person. Though it’d be even cooler if Prince kicked out Foster just because he was texting.

Leather mom

Everyone else has already made jokes about Patrcia Krentcil, the New Jersey mom who brought her five-year-old to a tanning salon with her. Now it’s our turn. Just to clear something up, the leathered mom didn’t actually take her daughter tanning. But when you practice transcendental orangification, people will judge a book by it’s cover—even if that book is leather bound. Thank you.
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Ashley Madison Zoo

Many places of learning are struggling financially because learning is boring. Plus nerds only know how to make money by asking for donations. As a result, more zoos are closing than Mannie Fresh at a big, black ass convention. To the rescue comes AshleyMadison.com, a website that encourages adultery by pairing up people who want to cheat on their spouses. The website wants naming rights to the Toronto Zoo in return for a wad of unfulfilled, middle-aged cash. Of course, soccer moms are in a tizzy, but going to the Ashley Madison Zoo wouldn’t seem so bad if we just posthumously change Margaret Mead’s name to Ashley Madison.
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Beyonce writes a thank you note to herself

It’s natural for Americans to look up to the First Family because we’re really good at projecting. Even celebrities do it. Recently Beyonce posted a note to Michelle Obama on her website, thanking her for being strong, caring, and most importantly, black. Beyonce then went on to thank the First Lady for wearing sequin dresses and writing “Single Ladies.”
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Not Everything’s Bigger in Texas

In the state where everything is known to be bigger, one Texas hospital will not hire anyone that is considered overweight. The Citizens Medical Center in Victoria won’t even accept your application unless your body mass index is less than 35. Any hospital employees who think this is unfair are forced to go for a walk with fat people and listen to them complain about their feet.
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Secret Ingredient

Remember how everyone used to say there was cat meat in Chinese food? Well, there was, and dog meat… and newspaper. Another appetizing ingredient the Chinese use in cooking is boys’ pee. Each year around this time, food vendors in Dongyang start collecting buckets of urine—preferable from boys younger than 10-years-old—to boil eggs. This is considered a delicacy that presents many health benefits says every Catholic priest ever.
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