(Why this translation exists)

I recently got into an argument with a girl I’ve been Frenching (I call it “Frenching” to give the relationship more class and sophistication than “some girl I dry hump enough to hate the zipper on my jeans”). It was her birthday and I sent a plain and simple “Happy Birthday” text as soon as I woke up. Is there a guy out there who can see where I went wrong? Does anyone reading this right now know the one thing about that text that redirected this relationship from BJ-ville on a detour towards Over-The-Shirt-Boob-Touching Island? I’ll give you one more minute to scan that text like a “Where’s Waldo” book. Here it is: we had an actual argument over the fact that the text didn’t have an exclamation point. I’ll give every dude reading this a second to stop rolling their eyes like one of those wall mounted cat clocks. I’ll also give all of the ladies reading this a second to uncross their arms and stop nodding in total agreement. And now that we are all back to normal, the question becomes: is she right?

Yes, “bitches love smiley faces” is the tip I’m looking to discuss but it points to the much larger importance of texting in dating. The game has changed. There was a time where you got a girl’s number at a bar and put it in something called “a little black book” and then called her at home to make a date. To repeat: YOU CALLED HER AT HOME! Calling a landline for sexual purposes feels so out of date that I wouldn’t be surprised if a Velociraptor picked up the phone. Think about how different the process has become. Now, you meet a girl at a bar, you take her cell phone number, become Facebook friends, text the rest of the night, check out enough Facebook pictures that you’re on a first name basis with her Mom and Dad, text the rest of the week, then finally go on a first date. People wonder why things move faster than they used to, well you’ve had more contact in one week than people in the “black book days” had in one month. I think it’s pretty normal to push the sexual boundaries when you don’t have to spend half of your time waiting by the answering machine. The fact is, texting is as much a part of dating as the actual date. Guys can no longer lean on the “Bitches be crazy” defense when a girl calls them out on a text.

So should I have had the exclamation point? My initial argument was that the words “Happy Birthday” when said together are always said in an excited way. I’ve never gotten wished a Happy Birthday and thought “That guy doesn’t give a crap about my birthday.” Then I remembered her answer. A passive-aggressive “Thnx.” When I got back that “Thnx” from a girl who I’d been cuddling so much that my boner left a permanent imprint in her back, I knew something was up. No continuing the conversation. No smiley face. Just the plain and simple “Thnx” tipped me off that an argument was coming and—right now—to the fact that she had a point. As guys, we have to do a little bit more. We have to dress up these texts and give them the tone they deserve because we are looking for the same things as girls. We are looking for the “KK” response to a plan for a date because we know that second “K” shows some excitement (a third “K” conveys racism). We are looking for the “See you soon ” text because that smiley face says “I tickle balls” (guys are eternally hopeful). We see the tone so we have to give that tone back. But how much?

Yes, “Bitches love smiley faces” but what they really like is a little bit of effort. They love the random smiley face after a night out together but they get a little weirded out when you start sending them pictograms explaining how your lunch tasted. You have to be a man about these emoticons. Overusing the smiley face is like going to a party and immediately becoming best friends with someone’s mom. Everyone will think you’re a really nice guy but still wonder why you’re putting in THAT much effort. Do you need the mom on your side? Are you just a “Mom guy?” Are you into show tunes, Madonna, and penis? Do you have six boy scouts tied up in your basement? Emoticons are feminine and you have to use them like a guy should use any feminine product; sparingly. If you enjoy the smell of a women’s shampoo then you’re still a dude but if that extends to perfume then we go back to that question about you and penis. Just know it’s all about tone. You need to show some but you need to keep your manhood. It’s a new day, and if you want to get your boner OFF her back and IN somewhere else, then add an exclamation point every now and again…!

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see on MTV’s Failosophy on Thursdays at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter for videos, columns, and suggestions for great smelling women’s shampoo. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.

Why this translation exists

One of the most trope-y scenes in The Karate Kid is when Mr. Miyagi teaches Daniel-san that the purpose of learning to fight is so you don’t have to fight. But hey, it’s trope-y for a reason—because it’s true.

You learn to fight to become comfortable with the tension of a fight. As you become comfortable with this tension, you control the tension instead of the tension controlling you. Bouncers understand this. They know to be more wary of the guy with a steely stare than the guy who flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. The guy whose pulse stays under 80 has been there before.

The above brotip speaks to a similar idea: The purpose of going out and getting laid as often as possible isn’t to get laid as often as possible—it’s to learn you don’t have to get laid.

When you get to know enough girls on a certain level, so to speak, you put the pieces of girl world together. You understand girl as organism. More importantly, you put your own pieces together. You find out what works for you, and what doesn’t work. You develop your own standards, you learn who you are in relation to girls, and you become more powerful as a result. The need for sex diminishes, and you are in a better position to control your destiny with girls.

In going through this process, you overcome something I call psychological virginity, which is when a guy loses his virginity, but he still thinks like a virgin because he has no idea how he ever got laid in the first place. To him, the circumstances of sex are serendipitous, so he cannot go out and remake those circumstances again. A psychological virgin has no idea what he did right, so all he can do is listen to his friends’ hearsay and brotelligence, which is hit-or-miss at best. As a result, sex is lucky.

The only way out of this luck mindset is trial and error, mostly error. And your path needs to be your own. This is why the dating advice on Cock Rock is about broader concepts like attitudes and beliefs. I cannot give you a step-by-step guide. Also, I don’t want to delude young men into thinking there is a shortcut to achieving what it is you want with girls, whether it’s getting married or collecting specimens for your harem.

Developing the power to have choice with girls—overcoming psychological virginity—can be an interesting journey, to put it euphemistically. For instance, it took around 500 good, sober rejections until I lost my psychological virginity. And of course, none of this did anything to prepare me for a real relationship.

But what has kept me going throughout the process isn’t the promise of getting laid. Getting laid is easy. It’s really no big deal, anyway. So if that’s your goal, your motivation will fade after a few hit-and-runs. Then you’ll get a girlfriend and that will be it. Which is fine, I suppose. As I’ve said before, if you only want to skin one cat, the knife doesn’t need to be that sharp. But a higher level of consciousness, choice, and power exists, and if you’re not there now, that’s fine—all you need to know is it exists.

To comment, call 646-590-2611.

Why this translation exists

 #2150  Whenever you’re trying not to sound like you’re flirting, just pretend like your girl is standing right next to you.

I’m going to tell you a secret: your girlfriend wants you to flirt with other girls. If expressing sexual interest in females makes your female feel unwanted, she’s super insecure and looks to you for validation a little too much. Colloquially, girls with this need for validation are known as “batshit crazy.”

This predicament speaks to a deeper issue, though: your responsibility as a boyfriend to manage your girlfriend’s emotions. Let’s look at two guys I’ve dated to demonstrate what this means.

Guy A

On our third date, Guy A brought me to a crowded cafe. Not long after we sat down, he began flirting with a random girl next to him. Before I could interject, his shame interjected for me. He looked like a puppy who did something wrong, and stopped flirting with the girl on his own. When I brought it up, he got very defensive and was unable to carry a conversation about the fact that something he did may have caused me discomfort. I was almost feeling worried for his emotional state by bringing it up. I didn’t see Guy A again after this, but it wasn’t because of his flirting. It was because of his shame.

Guy B

I know it wasn’t the flirting that got in the way of seeing Guy A because enter Guy B. I spent far more (and more enjoyable) time with Guy B, who often flirted brazenly in front of me. The difference with this guy though, was that he communicated through his complete lack of shame that his flirting was just a fun celebration of his attraction to girls. And in the few times I did confront him about his flirting, he always smiled, never got reactionary, and never tried to aggressively reason me out of feeling jealous. It was as if he was saying both his flirting and being attracted to other girls, and my jealousy, was totally natural.

However, I’m not telling the male readers that they have a blank check on flirting with other girls in front of their girlfriend, so here a few points to keep in mind.

1. Rarely, if ever, flirt right in front of your girlfriend, since the premise of your physical closeness is to talk to each other. There was always a pause in conversation or a physical break in the conversation (such as me talking to a waiter or standing in line to get tea etc) before this guy would strike up a convo with another girl. It was never something he chose to do as a deliberate alternative to talking to me right next to him. You can get away with the other kind of flirting sometimes, but if you do it too much, it will start to look weird. If your girlfriend is somewhat stable, her healthy jealousy will disappear and she’ll just think you don’t respect her.
2. Introduce your girlfriend to the girl you are talking to. In general, being social and outgoing and connecting people makes you more attractive as a man. If you’re in a relationship, it’s just as important to keep talking to other girls for the same reason you don’t want your girlfriend to gain weight and shave her head.
3. If your girlfriend brings up her jealousy, acknowledge it without being thrown off course by it. I think this is ultimately what made Guy B so attractive…

Which brings us back around to the issue of managing emotions. It’s not that Guy B had the confidence to flirt with other girls, it was that when I told him how it made me feel, he didn’t make me feel bad about it. As he was okay with his flirting, he made me feel okay with feeling jealous. The end result? My jealousy resulted in a conversation that made us more connected to each other. Imagine that. If jealousy amounts to anything more, like items being thrown, there are other words for it.

Though not said explicitly, the communication was clear: my emotions were my own. Guy B would gladly be there with me as I experience them, and make me feel safe as I experience them, but that was it. After this, it was clear to me that his role in my life (as well as any ideal masculine figure in the future) would not extend to being responsible for never making me feel insecure or jealous ever again.

Brotips, however, implies in these tips that managing your girlfriend’s emotions is part of the territory.

 #2686  When guessing an older chick’s age to her face, always subtract five to ten years.

#2366   If your girl’s mom is in your phone in a way that puts their names right next to each other, change it.

This kind of social delicacy is completely destructive. If a girl is insecure about her looks/age/weight, it’s not your job to fix that. If, at any point, you’re in a full blown fight because you didn’t shield her from her own insecurities, then she’s batshit (or maybe you miscommunicated your role as her boyfriend).

And if your girlfriend really can’t see the hilarity in your accidentally sexting her mom, take her back to Sense of Humor 101 with a few fart jokes and start grading your burps on a scale of 1-10. Make a wall chart to track your progress.

You can get wrapped up in the responsibility of managing a girls emotions, or you can demand a higher standard of relationship.

To comment, call 646-590-2611.

Background (ie why this translation exists)

#1937 It usually takes less effort to do something than to try and [sic] convince someone to do it for you.

This is an interesting Brotip because it’s half true. It’s true in the sense that, yes, trying to convince other people to do something is probably not going to work. Plus, even if it does work, the victory is hard-won. Super plus, it’s no fun. For example, if you ask for a girl’s phone number, and she hems and haws, then you don’t want her phone number. Even if you do get it, she’ll probably be a pain in the butt and it’s not worth your time.^1

But this tip is half false because it assumes you must always convince somebody to do something in order to get them to do it. This Implies people don’t naturally trust your judgment. And this implies you’re incapable of leadership. After all, if you were the leader, people would at least give you the benefit of the doubt whenever you made a decision.

Although, to be honest, most people probably don’t trust your judgement. If you’re reading this, you’re too young and stupid to have trustworthy judgement. That’s okay, it’s not your fault. Besides, all your friends are probably stupider than you. I mean, at least you’re reading something right now. So don’t feel discouraged—you can still be a leader even though you have the acumen of an iceberg. Because when it comes to being a leader, the next best thing to having good judgement is simply assuming leadership.

This is what you learn by communicating with dogs. When you give a dog a command as if you expect him to do it, the dog complies. However, if you give a dog a command hoping that he’ll do it, he’ll do whatever he damn pleases.

Take Obama for example. Do you think people had to convince him that he is good enough to run for president? Do you think, at some point in 2003, he was sitting in a room surrounded by praise saying, “aw shucks, I don’t know if I’m cut out for the job”? Of course not. He decided he could be president decades before he was elected.

Building your leadership muscle is important when dealing with other men, but Brotips doesn’t forget that in your interactions with women, it is basic. Without even choosing to, women evaluate a man’s sense of leadership at a primal level when analyzing him as a potential partner.

#1922 If you drive a chick to the party and she calls it a “car pool,” she’s not your date, bro.

Again, as in the first tip, this is only a half truth. It’s true that, yes, maybe this chick called the ride a “car pool” because she doesn’t see you as a leader. But a girl will rarely make you a leader in her life with no effort on your part. Usually, as we discussed above, a leadership role is something you have to assume in her life, and the whole relationship from there is based on her attempts to knock you off that leadership pedestal. Once she does, she’s going to doink someone else. This is, in essence, the dynamic of all masculine-feminine relationships, both gay and straight.

If a girl isn’t testing you—consciously or otherwise—by gauging your ability to step up to a leadership position, she isn’t going to let you take up a substantive amount of space in her night/life/vagina.

And who knows? Maybe one day you won’t be as stupid as you are now. Then, your assumption of leadership will be less of an assumption and more of an affirmation.

1. Once you understand what rejection is, there are exceptions to this rule.

a maladjusted mating strategy

AskMen.com, the site that reduces manhood to platitudes, recently decided Jennifer Lawrence is the most desirable woman of 2012. This ranking is as subjective as a post-graduate philosophy class. And I use the word “subjective” with precision. Because a girl’s desirability depends mostly on you, the man, the subject.

Ranking girls on looks is stupid, but at least it incorporates biological principles. One girl’s face may be more symmetrical than another’s, or her boobs may be perkier, or her feet may be more bare.

But desirability? A girl can only be desirable in relation to how she is when she’s with you. All girls are undesirable when they’re gabbing about shoes. All girls are undesirable when they’re gabbing in a women’s studies class. All girls are undesirable when they’re gabbing in general. If I only knew girls in a the context of gabbing, I would just start sucking dicks, no problem. But that’s not how I, or anybody else, judges how desirable a girl is. You have to see how they are when they’re with you—once you get them to stop gabbing, of course.

Men don’t see girls this way anymore because we believe girls are their own person. So any attempt to train a girl—or give her a masculine presence around which she feels more comfortable—is seen as prehistoric. This seems harsh, so let me put the same point euphemistically: It’s the difference between looking at a girl and thinking, “I wonder what she’s like,” versus thinking “I wonder what she’s like when she’s with me.”

There’s a limit to this mindset, and yes, some girls are simply a bad situation. But I’ve found that most girls only seem like a bad situation because guys are feminist dorks who can’t tell them “no,” or who can’t lead them.

So in general, stop judging, ranking, and, yes, I’ll say it, objectifying girls. And start meeting girls. Maybe some day, you’ll start to see girls for what they are: beautiful, invigorating creatures that would be unbearable if it weren’t for your ability to put them in a box.

To comment, call 646-590-2611.

Background (ie why this translation exists)

#2372 Shady people can be role models. Use them as examples of what not to do

This tip reminds me of a charity’s mission statement that changed my life. It went like this: “[This charity] believes every individual has a skill they can contribute to our mission.”

This was the most confident, chest-beating, boner-inducing mission statement I’d ever heard. The charity actually views every single person in the world as having within them an ability to contribute to the charity’s vision for a better future. And it’s through this charity that every person’s ability can be transmuted into such a value. Sure, it’s a little tyrannical, but taken in the spirit in which it’s intended, it’s awesome.

With the theme of this tip in mind, Brotips seemingly asks, “what if we applied that mindset as individuals?”

#2552 Never let people having great expectations of you stress you out. Let them, then exceed them.

# 2448 Picture the biggest douchebag you know. The easiest way to avoid being one is to recognize what one looks like.

#1079 If her mom likes you, you’re in.

To be honest, I actually disagree with all these Tips. First, who cares about the expectations of others? Second, the easiest way to not be a douchebag is to think of desirable traits and cultivate those. (Who cares about not being a douchebag anyway? As a rule, people who call other people douchebags are total lame-os who don’t want other people to have more fun than them.) And third, if her mom likes you, that does not mean you’re in. In fact, if you still have a modicum of testosterone in your brain, menopausal women aren’t supposed to like you.

But, for the sake of this post, it’s not the literal content of the tips that matters—it’s the methodology behind the tips that matters. Specifically, what if we believed every human being and every external factor we encountered, no matter how negative, had something to contribute to our achievements and character? The expectations placed on you, your girlfriend’s mom, and even the biggest douche you know all offer something for you to turn into a contribution for your life.

Of course, it’s not easy to override the default bitching and moaning that comes with failure. So start by doing this: pick one thing or person you originally saw as a stress or waste and create something valuable from it. From there, just keep challenging yourself to pick more difficult things to spin into a value. This doesn’t mean lying to yourself and avoiding harsh truths—indeed, turning burdens into values actually requires taking action (gasp!), not just mental gymanstics.

Maybe this won’t change your life, but you will bitch less. And if you really don’t want to be a douchebag (in the best sense of the expression, “I don’t want to be a douchebag”), not bitching about stuff is a good starting point.

Last month at the University of South Alabama, a college freshman, Gilbert Thomas Collar, was shot dead after he threatened and attacked a campus cop—naked. The cop reported that he was “confronted by a muscular, nude man who was acting erectly erratically,” before he pulled the trigger… no, not that one.

The politics and brutality of this story aside, it got me thinking: Streaking has become appalling. I don’t mean the shameless and whimsical streaking we’ve grown fond of through college and Sports Center’s Not Top 10s. I speak instead of the angry streaking that has infected insecure dorks who think nudity is an affront.

What once was a beloved display of confidence, enthusiasm, and drunkenness is now being held hostage by pretenders like Collar and other frat stars with chips on their shoulders. What the hell was Collar even doing alone at a police station? Challenging a cop to a fight? Streaking isn’t a confrontation. It’s a joyous expression.

Instead, Collar should have been running through the girls’ dorms with his phone number Sharpie’d on his ass.

All the great streakers—Michael O’Brien, George William Crump, and Erica Roe’s 40 inch chest—had nothing to prove, only share. Their bare-assed romps brought people together and for that they earned respect from students to rugby hooligans to cops. Even Robert E. Lee approved of the streaking legacy left by Crump.

So let’s continue to streak as our shamelessness permits. Just be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. as an artistic display that says, “hey everybody, let’s have fun.”

Brotip Translation Week 1 (why this exists)

Brotip #2487:After complaining about something for an hour, you can’t end it with, “I don’t give a fuck.” Doesn’t work like that.

At first glance, this Brotip seems only like advice on how to be less annoying. And while that’s true, it’s about something much deeper, too. Follow me into the rabbit hole of douchiness, so maybe we’ll emerge a little less douche-y.

This tip indicates something essential to the foundation of almost all other virtues: honesty.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that this honesty head fake has come up several times in Brotips:

#2440: ”I came dressed as me,” is not a legit reason to show up without a costume

#2575:  ”I’m just trolling.” = “You caught me saying something stupid so I’ll pretend it was on purpose.”

#2507 No one should have to guess whether or not you’re mad at them. Just be straight up and say it.

#2445 ”It’s cool, I’m used to it,” is the passive-aggressive way to say, “I’m pissed. It’s actually not cool at all.

If, in times of conflict, what you say has to be translated by other people, you may as well turn your penis inside out back up in your body and watch Friends. If people sense that you cannot say you’re pissed, or you didn’t feel like dressing up, or you actually care about something and have an emotion about it—a perfectly normal human experience—then you force others to only imagine what else you cannot admit to yourself. Wouldn’t you feel unsafe around someone who couldn’t handle the everyday tensions of admitting when something is upsetting them? Well, this is how you make people feel if you use them to validate your lie: unsafe.

Few people will consciously think, “that guy makes me unsafe.” You just won’t get laid ever again.

Once you become comfortable being honest with yourself, you will naturally become more comfortable being honest with others. Of course, simply knowing this is only the tip of the iceberg. Living it the rest of the iceberg… and half of Antarctica.  I bet half of you will go through a terrible break up or divorce because of your avoidance of honesty’s discomfort. But if a divorce is what it takes for you to learn to be honest, it would be totally worth it.

For now, the next time you show up to a costume party without a costume, just say, “I want to be different, and I’m not sure how to do that in a good way.”