Archive for Sports

What Penn State and the Catholic Church Have in Common

Sandusky : a priest :: Paterno : the Pope

It’s been more than a week since news of Penn State’s pedophilia broke and sportscasters are still parroting “shame on Joe Paterno.” This is no more than an exercise in self-satisfaction. Instead, we need to figure out why the butt rapes were covered up so we can keep them from happening in the future. The Catholic Church, as the paragon of a culture that aids and abets butt rapes, can give us clues. If we understand what it has in common with Penn State, we will understand the underlying causes of a culture that thinks it’s okay to protect child molesters.
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Athletes Should Be Role Models

Tracy Morgan?

In 1993 Charles Barkley definitively stated that athletes are not role models. Since then, everybody’s agreed with this sentiment mostly because it’s good PR to have sentiments.
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Friend Test: Groupon’s Super Bowl Ads

the government bailed out Chrysler, and Chrysler bailed out Eminem's career

Of course, Super Bowl ads are typically awesome, but too often, because of how advertisers think, they have a lowest-common-denominator quality to them. Last night was no exception with the “rich people are lame” Audi commercial and the “Detroit is tough” Chrysler 200 commercial with Eminem. Toughness and unhappiness are the same thing, right?
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Bill Maher in HuffPo, a Translation

HuffPo? More like PuffyHo

Bill Maher is a smart guy. He’s so smart, in fact, that sometimes not even he knows what he’s talking about. This is why I feel compelled to explain what he means from time to time. So let’s translate a recent article he wrote for HuffPo entitled New Rule: Americans Must Realize What Makes NFL Football So Great: Socialism in terms that we hoi polloi can understand.
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Top Ten Reasons why the Super Bowl is Better Than Science Fairs

the Super Bowl has the power to make Detroit tolerable

Last night, during his State of the Union address, Barack Obama urged America to put more emphasis on science fairs than the Super Bowl. This is expected from the president. After all, he’s the kind of guy who calls government spending an investment, which is like calling a hooker your girlfriend.
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There are no Christians in Foxholes

because life is serious

Steve Johnson, a wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, celebrated a touchdown last week by pulling up his jersey to expose a t-shirt inscribed with The Joker’s famous quotation from The Dark Knight. You know the quotation I’m talking about; the one that nerds love to repeat in their best Joker impersonation and upload on Youtube. Yesterday, however, Johnson wasn’t all smiles and awkward references when he dropped what would have been the game-winning touchdown pass.
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Top Ten Rules That Will Toughen up the Dallas Cowboys

Wade Phillips nails his Eeyore impression

The Dallas Cowboys roster is as talented as it is soft, which is to say Wade Phillips was a symbol of everything wrong with the team. He also may be a symbol for everything wrong with America, but that topic gets too deep for this post. Anyway, America’s team doesn’t need to run faster 40’s, they need to stop drinking 40’s, so here are the best rules to ensure a tougher team.
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When to Text a Picture of Your Penis to a Girl

text whatever you want as long as you’re making this face

Brett Favre’s penisgate is the talk of the media. Yet there’s no real proof that the Iron Man of the NFL texted pictures of himself masturbating while wearing Crocs, and I doubt there ever will be. Call me cynical, but girls who do themselves up like Jenn Sterger, the alleged target of penisgate, deal with men well, which is another way of saying she’s probably a good liar.
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Be Like Mike

to dunk is to be moral

The vegan-scarred faces and modest church clothes of do-gooders may be banal, but at least they remind us how important awesomeness really is. So, for the most part, the relationship between the lame and the awesome is symbiotic.
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An Open Letter to LeBron James

a Cleveland anomaly: severity without depression

All sports heroes have a weakness. In fact, weakness first got its foothold in society along with the invention of sports because never before did you have a group of people who were not only dumb enough to have a weakness, but who could afford it.
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