Bill Maher in HuffPo, a Translation

By: Cock Rock Posted in Politics, Sports on Monday, January 31, 2011

HuffPo? More like PuffyHo

Bill Maher is a smart guy. He’s so smart, in fact, that sometimes not even he knows what he’s talking about. This is why I feel compelled to explain what he means from time to time. So let’s translate a recent article he wrote for HuffPo entitled New Rule: Americans Must Realize What Makes NFL Football So Great: Socialism in terms that we hoi polloi can understand.

New Rule: With the Super Bowl only a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, for all the F-15 flyovers and flag waving, football is our most successful sport because the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poor teams… just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin has a population of 100,000. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets – who next year need to just shut the hell up and play.

“I’m hinting at the fact that I may not understand the fundamental difference between government force and a private company’s attempt to make a good product. Also, I’m too cool for geography.”

Now, me personally, I haven’t watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson’s nipple popped out during half time, and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned my eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it – who doesn’t love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving each other brain damage on a giant flat-screen TV with a picture so realistic it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your sister?

“Wardrobe malfunction jokes are still fresh, right? What’s the deal with Viagra? Anyway, I’m too smart to appreciate football but not too smart to take a soccer-mom stance on Roethlisberger.”

It’s no surprise that some 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl next week – that’s 40 million more than go to church on Christmas – suck on that, Jesus! It’s also 85 million more than watched the last game of the World Series, and in that is an economic lesson for America. Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity, and baseball is built on a model where the rich almost always win and the poor usually have no chance. The World Series is like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. You have to be a rich bitch just to play. The Super Bowl is like Tila Tequila. Anyone can get in.

“I had to include this paragraph because I just couldn’t let go of that Tila Tequila joke.”

Or to put it another way, football is more like the Democratic philosophy. Democrats don’t want to eliminate capitalism or competition, but they’d like it if some kids didn’t have to go to a crummy school in a rotten neighborhood while others get to go to a great school and their Dad gets them into Harvard. Because when that happens “achieving the American dream” is easy for some, and just a fantasy for others.

“As I indicated by the introduction, I don’t understand the difference between a company’s policy and a government’s law. If a CEO thinks it best to transfer funds from accounting to sales, that proves socialism works. This is an equivocation, but what’s more important is that I want you to pay attention to me.”

That’s why the NFL runs itself in a way that would fit nicely on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard – they literally share the wealth, through salary caps and revenue sharing – TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put all of it in a big commie pot and split it 32 ways. Because they don’t want anyone to fall too far behind. That’s why the team that wins the Super Bowl picks last in the next draft. Or what the Republicans would call “punishing success.”

“Taxes only impede the rich without impeding the poor because jobs are created with the magical Obama spell of charisma and platitudes.”

Baseball, on the other hand, is exactly like the Republicans, and I don’t just mean it’s incredibly boring. I mean their economic theory is every man for himself. The small market Pittsburgh Steelers go to the Super Bowl more than anybody – but the Pittsburgh Pirates? Levi Johnston has sperm that will not grow up and live long enough to see the Pirates in a World Series. Their payroll is about $40 million, and the Yankees is $206 million. They have about as much chance at getting in the playoffs as a poor black teenager from Newark has of becoming the CEO of Halliburton. That’s why people stop going to Pirate games in May, because if you’re not in the game, you become indifferent to the fate of the game, and maybe even get bitter – that’s what’s happening to the middle class in America. It’s also how Marie Antoinette lost her head.

“The teenager from Newark has to be black because that associates limited government with racism.”

So, you kind of have to laugh – the same angry white males who hate Obama because he’s “redistributing wealth” just love football, a sport that succeeds economically because it does exactly that. To them, the NFL is as American as hot dogs, Chevrolet, apple pie, and a second, giant helping of apple pie. But then again, they think they’re macho because their sport is football, when honestly – is there anything gayer than wearing another man’s shirt?

“From the HuffPo Manual of Style: Imply that Midwesterners are stupid and then refer to them as ‘white males.’”

    About Cock Rock

    I am Mark.

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