News Roundup 120409

By: Intern Ali Posted in Cock Rock Blog on Monday, April 9, 2012

Not Everything’s Bigger in Texas

In the state where everything is known to be bigger, one Texas hospital will not hire anyone that is considered overweight. The Citizens Medical Center in Victoria won’t even accept your application unless your body mass index is less than 35. Any hospital employees who think this is unfair are forced to go for a walk with fat people and listen to them complain about their feet.

The six degrees of Kevin Bacon has become weird

The six degrees of Kevin Bacon game demonstrates how Bacon is connected to more people than you would think. Recently it was discovered that Bacon is so connected he’s even genetically connected to his wife. Bacon appeared on the PBS series “Finding Your Roots” where the news of his unexpected relation was found. It’s not that weird, though, because judging by Bacon’s dancing in Footloose, he only got married to convince everyone he’s not gay.

Sloth photobombs picture

As tourists in Costa Rica posed for a picture, a sloth dropped down into the frame for a photobomb. Everyone thought this was cute until they realized that the sloth wasn’t really from Cosa Rica, it was from the Bronx via Costa Rica. It only dropped into the picture because it thought everyone wanted to see its new eye make up and Jesus tattoo. It then asked everyone in a nasally, exaggerated Latino accent, “why you so stupid, stupid?”

San Francisco says happiness is legal

Two years ago, you may recall, a San Francisco mother sued McDonald’s for including a toy in their Happy Meals. Well, the case was recently settled in favor of McDonald’s, so they’re allowed to continue the toy. Still, it just doesn’t feel the same. Enjoying a Happy Meal toy in San Francisco now has the same sense of freedom as asking the warden if you can take a piss.

Never let me go never gets old

Queen rocks. If you’re lame and need proof, I submit this video of a drunk guy singing the entire Bohemian Rhapsody in the back of a cop car. The singer was so drunk, in fact, that he even remembered all the words, and didn’t skimp on the instrumentals. Wayne and Garth, in addition to Queen, can watch this video and know they’ve made a difference.

How to get in your own way

A waitress in Minnesota demonstrated what it’s like to get in your own way. When a customer left her a $12,000 tip, she must’ve felt guilty and so handed it over to the police. The Police promised to give it back if nobody returned it in 60 days. After the 60 days the police didn’t give it back because the money smelled like marijuana. The waitress retaliated by suing for the money, which was eventually returned to her. The full details of this debacle will be chronicled in a book entitled, How to Develop a Healthy Distrust for Authority.

Ryan Gosling saves girl’s life, wears wingtips

Ryan Gosling is more than just a pretty face and an aristocratic wardrobe. When a star-struck girl spotted him in New York City, she stepped right into traffic. Thankfully, he pulled her out of the way, saving her life. Gosling’s people have neither confirmed nor denied this story, probably to dissuade girls from wandering into traffic in hopes that the ascot-clad crusader will save them.

German beer belly deniers

German scientists from a town that’s home to one of the world’s oldest breweries have come to the conclusion that beer doesn’t cause beer bellies, just overall weight gain. Participants in the study were asked to estimate their overall beer intake, which is about as scientific as reading the Bible. The real takeaway from this study is that if you want to get funding for a study in Germany, make it about how beer isn’t that bad for you… or about how the 1930’s didn’t exist.

    About Intern Ali

    I can talk in pure movie quotes, and I'm the same height as Danny DeVito.

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