News Roundup 120430

By: Intern Ali Posted in Cock Rock Blog on Monday, April 30, 2012

Ashley Madison Zoo

Many places of learning are struggling financially because learning is boring. Plus nerds only know how to make money by asking for donations. As a result, more zoos are closing than Mannie Fresh at a big, black ass convention. To the rescue comes AshleyMadison.com, a website that encourages adultery by pairing up people who want to cheat on their spouses. The website wants naming rights to the Toronto Zoo in return for a wad of unfulfilled, middle-aged cash. Of course, soccer moms are in a tizzy, but going to the Ashley Madison Zoo wouldn’t seem so bad if we just posthumously change Margaret Mead’s name to Ashley Madison.

Birds evolving into mammals

Are birds adapting to be more like us eggless mammals? Maybe, as a chick just hatched out of an egg while still inside the hen. The mother died due to internal injuries; but while it’s only one small death of chicken, it’s one giant leap for chicken-kind.

Teardrop rapist gives guys with teardrop tattoos an even worse name

A serial rapist from the Los Angeles area has reemerged with a new killing after a five-years hiatus.  The suspect is not only known for his DNA that he leaves at the crime scene… ahem, but for his signature teardrop tattoo. So if you’re in the LA area and a man with a teardrop tattoo starts talking to you, run away. Though this is probably good advice in general.

John Edwards misses the point

John Edwards is campaigning to be Vice President. If you’re unaware of this, it’s not your fault, because most of his campaign revolves around hiding the identity of the chick he was doinking when his wife had cancer. And by “had cancer” I mean she’s dead now. Sweet plan guys, because revealing the identity of his mistress would tarnish Edwards’s reputation like gum rapper tarnishes an outhouse. Still the saddest part of this story is that somebody is actually trying to be Vice President.

Sunlight Diet

The sunlight diet is so in right now. After seeing a documentary of a Yogi Indian Guru who claimed to only subsist on sunlight, a Swiss woman went on the diet herself. Now she’s dead. Well, it’s not called a “livet,” amirite? Seriously though, maybe the diet only works if you live in the tropics and you have a skin tone that actually absorbs sunlight. Or maybe the diet only works if you’re a plant.

It’s like Match.com

A new dating website called MissTravel.com pairs young, attractive women who want to travel with old men who will pay for their adventure, and presumably get sex in return. Of course, if you just want to travel to a Starbucks bathroom to get a blowjob, Match.com is still the best site for that.

Deformed surf

We all remember that Simpsons episode with Blinky, the three-eyed fish spawned from the radioactive waste of the nuclear power plant. Well, those weird things are happening to sea creatures down in the Gulf of Mexico as fisherman are catching more and more deformed, eyeless fish. Scientists claim that BP’s oil spill is to blame and they fear that the spill may have a more lasting effect than originally thought. BP scientists responded by asking, “who the hell eats the eyes of fish anyway?” As long as somebody makes a monster movie based around this incident, like how Japan made Godzilla movies based around the atomic bomb, I’ll be happy.

    About Intern Ali

    I can talk in pure movie quotes, and I'm the same height as Danny DeVito.

    Related Posts

    1. I’m Right About Everything
    2. George Zimmerman Weighs 240 Pounds
    3. News Roundup 120402
    4. News Roundup 120507
    5. Happy Indigenous People’s Day