S.E. Cupp’s Guide to Selling Books

By: Cock Rock Posted in Culture, Politics on Monday, June 14, 2010

a “model” for conservative thought

SE Cupp, a fledgling political commentator, is bamboozling the pundit circuit promoting her new book, Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity. I’d summarize it, but its subtitle does that well enough.

Her precocious popularity in a market that’s saturated with everyone except my aunt (who doesn’t talk about politics because “it’s rude”) isn’t because of her writing style, which, judging by the way she talks, is only a few notches above an episode of Friends.

Her content isn’t spectacular either, since all she says is that there are “liberals” in the media who sometimes say negative things about religion. For instance, Cupp reports that Keith Olberman once said that National Prayer Day violates the separation of church and state. I’ll wait while you get back up off the floor.

Supposedly, her intrigue comes from the fact that she appears to be a Christian even though she insists that she’s an atheist, even after she learned that “atheist” wasn’t pronounced \at-hīst\.

But most spotlight-seekers try to remain as ambiguous as possible, even if it means being ambiguously gay, as Tom Cruise demonstrated before he just became gay. It’s the same reason why Jim Carrey started taking serious roles, and why he got weird about autism.

Maybe her popularity stems from the fact that she used a record number of Fox News buzzwords on the cover of her book; I give her credit for fitting “Religion,” “liberal media,” “attack,” “Christianity,” and the gerund of “loser” into a coherent title.

But maybe her popularity stems from something else, something much more powerful than words because it’s been around much longer; something that made girls popular when we first learned what it meant to be popular.

Commentators have referred to Cupp as an “enigma” and said that “there is something compelling about this woman.” I don’t need to remind you that this is the way you described the girls in high school who were too cool to come to your party, and so I don’t need to tell you that the most flattering comments have come from males.

I can’t blame them, especially since the same thing happened to me. For “some reason,” I actually did research for this article (even though only a fraction of it made it through), and I hardly ever do research for anything unless you count my hours upon hours of watching television as research for my occasional 30 Rock references.

I began my research by reading a few op-eds written by Cupp for the New York Post. And let me tell you: never in my life have I been so intrigued by crap that I care nothing about.

Soon after, I found myself looking at pictures of Cupp “to see which ones I wanted to use as visual aids for this article,” or so I told myself.

Not three minutes later the blinds were closed, I was in my ketchup-stained jogging pants, and I was searching “SE Cupp topless wedgie” in a browser set to “incognito.” Spoiler alert: she’s clean.

Cupp isn’t a wordsmith or an incisive reporter. Indeed, most of her appeal comes from the fact that she looks really good. This may be seen as a superfluous attribute to people who are in tune with their sexuality, but Christianity’s bread and wine (or body and blood) is sexual repression.

So it makes sense that they would respond to Cupp in the same way that you would respond to a girl in high school, back when it was still kind of weird to admit to even your closest friends that you were a masturbation machine.

I’m writing this not to deride Cupp, because she deserves all the money she gets just like she deserves all the sexual advances she gets, one of which will probably come from me if I ever meet her.

Rather, I’m writing to alert any young, attractive, “liberal,” journalist who wants to write a book about the “conservative” media’s attack on secularism. It would be best if you were also a Christian in order to give guys a reason to find you compelling. Then put a photo of yourself on the cover of the book that looks like it belongs on a Ke$ha album cover, and be sure to giggle and flip your hair for the interviews. Easy money.

The left may not be as stifled in the pants as the right, but environmentalism has made great strides in metaphorical castration over the past generation.

Just beware, you future model of the left, that I’ll hit on you, too, which may not seem so bad except that I will have probably pervert-searched you first.

To comment, call 646-590-2611.

    About Cock Rock

    I am Mark.

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    1. Paul says:

      Maybe if you changed your name from Cock Rock to C.K. Rock you’d sell some books too. This girl doesn’t know what she believes, which is fine for an early 20-something still wishing she was one of Tucker Carlson’s conquests (she refers to him as a “favorite thinker” on her website, seriously?) but it’s not fine for an author of a book with such an incendiary title. She’s a capitalist taking advantage of a political climate to kill some trees, not an author, not a thinker and as C.K. Rock noticed, she wouldn’t have made it this far if she didn’t fill out her custom-tailored blouses so well. What’s her number? BTW, I love the pearl necklaces, what a way to appeal to Betty White and Jay-Z audiences at the same time. She probably has a pleated plaid skirt on under all those interview desks as well.

    2. Cock Rock says:

      SE Cupp would be one of Tucker Carlson’s conquests except she’s not a dude.

    3. 'Gina says:

      You wish Tucker Carlson liked dudes.

    4. Cock Rock says:

      Hey Gina, just admit that you love me. It will make you feel much better.

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