A few weeks ago I saw this video of an Iguana farting in a bathtub. Of course, this fart is hilarious, like all farts. I’ve lived long enough to realize this, which is to say I’ve lived more than two seconds. But what’s special about this video is that right before the iguana farts, you’ll notice that it lifts up its butt just as humans do when we make one of the most basic yet greatest fart jokes of all time.
This iguana’s butt lift is amazing because it demonstrates that fart jokes are more than a cultural meme. Fart jokes are a part of who we are—they have to be because they go back to before the evolutionary split between iguanas and humans, which occurred even before we split from Italians.
The actual beginning of fart jokes probably goes back even further to when our protozoan ancestor split from the amoeba to form a digestive tract, an event that played out something like this:
About three billion years ago, an amoeba got too close to a radioactive vent, which gave rise to mutated offspring. The mutation in one offspring was what we now call a butthole, and so this offspring was able to fart. Because farting is tons of fun, he farted all the time. Sometimes while farting he would lift up his pseudopod to let everybody know he was farting in a funny way. All the girl protozoans must have found this attractive, otherwise amoebae would now be studying us under a microscope.
If a protozoan used fart jokes to change the course of history, then fart jokes are definitely powerful enough to change the course of our lives.
In the realm of dating, it’s easy to make your intentions known to a female: all you need to do is make an obvious and shameless sexual advancement. But this doesn’t really build a connection with her unless she has father issues.
On the other hand, it’s easy to connect with other guys because it only involves three beers and a discussion about career, sports, and dames, three things dames know nothing about. But it’s hard to let your platonic intentions be known to the object of your bromantic affection without coming off like a complete homosexual.
A fart joke is the phenomenon that bridges both of these gaps. Nothing builds comfort with girls and declares your intentions to guys more than being comfortable enough to have them smell your fart, and then awesome enough to make a joke about it.
According to a recent study done by everyone who is intuitive, the sooner a couple farts around each other and make a joke about it, the longer they stay together and the happier they are. And of course, no two men have been friends for more than three weeks without nearly every conversation touching on farting or fart jokes in some way.
In other words, if you want to have friends, you need to start treating guys like your friends; and if you want to have a girlfriend, you need to start treating girls like they’re your girlfriends.
This reveals why fart jokes are ultimately a big deal. Through our brain’s acceptance of our butthole’s funniness, we can connect with other people with the coolness of an iguana but the dignity of a human.
Never before in the history of civilization have we been surrounded by so many people, and yet never before have we been so lonely. This urban isolation is the source of most depression and anxiety, and so it’s why Dr. Phil is popular. But when we use our buttholes in conjunction with our minds’ ability to laugh at buttholes, life becomes one continuous fart—an unbridled exhale of tension and a celebration of joy.
It’s as if that amoeba’s butt evolved purposefully because it knew, in its deep, evolutionary wisdom, that we were going to need it someday when we were sitting in a crowded bar all alone, or on a date with nothing to say.
And who knows? Once we get more in touch with our gas, Dr. Phil might have to find a new profession. I’m still going to write articles about fart jokes.
About Cock Rock
I am Mark.