Guys are experts at playing it cool around girls, which is too bad because playing it cool works about as often as playing it needy. At some point you need to let your intensions be known either through words or slobbering on her face. There are six good ways to do this, and spoiler alert for dorks, none of them involve telling her how you feel.
1. Accuse her of wanting you
This is called “priming the pump,” because you’re trying to get something started that isn’t there. If you absolutely must make a move with your friend (even though, I’m telling you now, it won’t work and it’s not worth it) then this is the way to get things rolling. But accusing a girl of secretly wanting you is effective on anyone, and it can and should be used in conjunction with every technique on this list. Here’s how it works: If a girl does something that may indicate she likes you, like laugh a little too hard at a joke or flutter her eyes, then say, “Oh look at that [thing she just did]. You must be in love with me.” She’ll deny it, of course, but you’re golden as long as she doesn’t chortle.
2. Be persistent
This works well on girls you routinely see as you go about your life. Maybe she’s the girl on the bus, or the barista at your favorite coffee shop, or the bartender with a kid. Here’s how it works: Hit on her overtly so that she rejects you initially, which makes her think that she’s the one in control of the situation—you’ve got her right where you want her. Now, if you keep coming back, shameless and happy, she’ll usually concede. And the more it’s obvious that typically embarrassing situations don’t embarrass you, the better.
3. Be honest about your intentions with girls in general
When dealing with a friend of a friend, or God forbid, if your friends set you up on a date^1, it’s best to declare the type of relationship you two may have. Here’s how it works: Let the girl know that if you two spend any time together, the relationship will be sexual in nature. This speaks the unspoken, which is always a breath of fresh air in unnatural situations in which it’s customary to pretend like everything’s natural.
4. Tell her she needs to change in order to have a chance with you
This one works best on co-workers. Dating somebody you work with is dumb, you know this, but chances are you’re still going to try to do it. Here’s how it works: Tell your boobed office mate that if only you two weren’t working together, and if only she didn’t dress like a dude, you might be interested. She may think you’re an ass, but since when did girls only doink guys they liked? More importantly, it will set her “what if?” wheels in motion. And hey, there’s always the drunken Christmas party.
5. Pretend to be gay
This works in movies, which usually means it won’t work in real life. But if you think about it, pretending to be gay might work if you do it as an obvious joke that you never fully explain. Here’s how it works: “Are you seriously gay?” She would ask in a suspicious tone. “Yeah, I’m super gay!” you respond, then pounce on her like a vile of straight.
The real lesson here is that if you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to at least try this approach several times, then you have the right attitude about dating and girls so the advice in this article is moot.
6. Slobber on her face
Slobbering on a girl lays everything on the line better than any of the previous techniques, so it’s no wonder that this is the most effective one. I refer to kissing as “slobber on her face” because the word “kiss” implies something smooth and delicate, like a Prince song. But if you get it out of your mind that you don’t need to be smooth and delicate, you just have to do, it will take the pressure off and you won’t be such a nerd about everything. Here’s how it works: Slobber on her face.
There’s really no smooth way to make a sexual advancement and indeed, most are quite awkward. But that’s okay. To expect otherwise is like expecting a professional athlete to be well-spoken; something doesn’t have to be perfect to serve a purpose. So man up, channel your inner dumb jock, and just think: no matter how difficult it might be to make a sexual move, it’s much easier than being a girl.
1. If friends are setting you up often, this means they feel sorry for you more than anything, so chances are your masculinity is a disaster transport. More than two set ups in a month and it’s time to start farting in public until you’re more comfortable with who you are.
About Cock Rock
I am Mark.