queefs will finally serve a purpose
Since 9/11, we’ve been too scared to joke around while going through airport security, which is understandable even if it’s lame. But now TSA is grabbing our crotches and probably snickering at the size of my our genitalia (eyes dart back and forth). Civil libertarians already planned to slow down the security process by opting out of the body scanners on November 24, which is about as exciting as taking your time filling out a DMV form. Instead, here are fun protests that make the pat downs and body scans more uncomfortable for TSA than for you.
1. Save a fart for just the right moment.
2. Ask if you need a priest to pat down your pre-pubescent son, and R. Kelly for your pre-pubescent daughter.
3. Make the submarine awooga sound if TSA grazes your fun zone. This works best if you’re an old man.
4. Don’t wash your crotch for a few days–12 hours if you’re Italian or Greek.
5. Give yourself a mangina. Let TSA figure out why you’re walking funny.
6. While being scanned, be sure to remind TSA that your penis is often mistaken for a semi-automatic weapon. Follow this with an “amirite? amirite?” while soliciting high fives.
7. Cover yourself in mud a la Arnold in Predator, then walk through security as if you’re positive no one can see you.
8. Booby trap your pants with a spring-loaded snake (unnecessary if you’re black).
9. Tape a pocket US Constitution to the inside of your leg. When TSA finds it, say: “That’s where you need to stop.”
10. Wear a Scottish kilt in the traditional, free-ball manner. When TSA makes a comment about your lack of underwear, say: “Freedom is more important than security.”
