When to Text a Picture of Your Penis to a Girl

By: Cock Rock Posted in Dating, Essay, Manliness, Sports on Monday, October 25, 2010

text whatever you want as long as you’re making this face

Brett Favre’s penisgate is the talk of the media. Yet there’s no real proof that the Iron Man of the NFL texted pictures of himself masturbating while wearing Crocs, and I doubt there ever will be. Call me cynical, but girls who do themselves up like Jenn Sterger, the alleged target of penisgate, deal with men well, which is another way of saying she’s probably a good liar.

Regardless, this hasn’t stopped commentators from chiming in on the idiocy of thinking that texting a picture of your penis to a girl actually works, even for a good-looking, future hall-of-famer. Bill Maher even used penisgate as an excuse to efface white males and so himself, a power play he must have borrowed from the Jon Stewart strategy guide.

While it may be easy to chide Favre for sending a photo of his penis to a girl, there’s a more important point here: Favre’s first sexual advancement toward Sterger was not the penis photo, otherwise it totally might have worked.

At the time of the incident in 2008, Sterger was a sideline reporter for the New York Jets, the same team that Favre quarterbacked that year. But since her bust-to-waist ratio is awesome, she was more of a cheerleader than anything else, and cheerleaders always want the quarterback, so the formula goes.

Sterger demonstrates the female version of boldness

Unfortunately, Favre’s initial play for her attention was to send her more than a dozen messages on Myspace, voicemail, and through a friend. In other words, Sterger’s rack had Favre flopping around like a 14-year-old.

At this point, Sterger realized that she wasn’t dealing with a confident athlete. Instead, she was dealing with a potential stalker. It put her on the defensive, and so she expected Favre to do something creepy, which of course he did (allegedly).

Penisgate was a Hail Mary on the last play of a losing game, which is a pathetic and desperate play (like a Hail Mary in the chapel). A Hail Mary on the first play of the game, however, isn’t a Hail Mary. It’s a bold move.

What Favre should have done is text Sterger a picture of his penis at the beginning—it would have caught her off guard. Even if she wasn’t into it, she would at least have been impressed by his chutzpah, and sometimes chutzpah, no matter how stupid, is all it takes.

Porsche = small penis; Porsche parked across two handicapped spaces = big penis

Boldness, even when it’s illegal, which I’m pretty sure exposing yourself is, puts everyone at ease. It seduces and entrances people. The shock leaves them momentarily full of awe, making them much easier to be led, especially if you’re Brett Favre and the seduced is a no-name boob-haver.

The only problem with being bold is that it’s hard to do. Ever since we got caught masturbating when someone else was in the house, we associated bold moves with trouble, so we shy away from them. But bold moves never fail outright—they only fail when we don’t follow up the failure with an even bolder move.

Sterger may have shot back at Favre with disgust or police, but Favre could have re-raised the situation by completely exposing himself to Sterger at point blank range, Crocs and all.

It’s worth noting that exposing yourself to a girl is a bad idea, but the lesson applies. If you’re going to talk to a girl, don’t hang around her for five minutes psyching yourself up; just go over and talk to her like you mean it. She may be startled and try to shut you down, so just keep talking to her like you mean it.

Or, to put it in another context, if you say something that accidentally offends someone at a dinner party, don’t say you’re sorry, just keep saying offensive things. Pretty soon everyone in the room will love you. Their only other option is to stop having fun.

Bold moves are easy to avoid because they’re usually unnecessary for staying alive. But they are necessary for living the life that you want to live. In other words, if you don’t throw any Hail Marys in the first quarter, you’ll just end up throwing them in the fourth quarter when you’re old, decrepit, and at church, seeking a better life in another realm.

To comment, call 646-590-2611.

    About Cock Rock

    I am Mark.

    Related Posts

    1. The Importance of Fart Jokes
    2. An Ode to Todd Packer
    3. Seven Myths About Sexual Harassment
    4. Athletes Should Be Role Models
    5. Why Scarlett Johansson Wants Guys to See Her Butt

    Leave a Reply